3 More Shopping Saturdays...

I realized yesterday what a creature of habit I've become...how the mommie genes are slowly (finally) making themselves known. I was leaving Wal-Mart and my cell phone rang. It was mom. She was calling to see what I had bought Kaitlyn. So what if I found a consignment shop that I love. So what if I've been there every week for the past month. So what if I'm desperately paranoid that we'll arrive in China and find that we don't have enough clothes for our little peanut. Back to the phone call. I laughed somewhat sheepishly and went on to describe to mom the great deals that I'd found only an hour earlier at the aforementioned shop. I also had to add the socks that I'd just purchased at Wal-Mart. It was her turn to laugh now, after "busting" me and she reminded me that there were only three shopping Saturdays left until we head for China!!!!

Over the past week, I've caught myself "nesting". If you know me at all, you know that I don't exactly ooze maternal wisdom and grace. I'm the nutcase with the wacked-out sense of humor that jokes about buying Kaitlyn an Invisible Fence collar to match Ellie's. That way I can keep them both in the yard. I laugh at my off-the-wall humor while other mothers cringe outwardly and wonder inwardly how much I must have paid the social worker to sign off on our homestudy. I'm the one who desperately sought an answer to the question of "What do I do with Kaitlyn when I'm at the grocery store and need to go to the restroom?". Apparently, other mothers have figured this out on their own through the years. However, it was a concept that mystified me and I asked and asked until finally mom told me. Thanks Mom!!!!

The last few weeks have been different though. I often find myself in Kaitlyn's room clutching a blanket or a stuffed animal and trying desperately to transport myself into the future. I wonder what it will be like to rock her (in the same chair her cousin Andrew was rocked in) softly to sleep. I can smell the baby lotion. I can see the eyelids grow heavy. I can feel the weight of her body as it shifts in my arms. Will she like to cuddle? Will she like her mommy's lullabies? I find that I am protective of her room. The rest of the house can, and does, dissolve into piles of dog hair and junk mail, but her room must remain clean!!!

This little girl who I only know from three pictures that I carry in my purse and share with abandon to friend and stranger alike has changed me already. I feel that my life is no longer my own. It is now about her; her needs, her desires and raising her to become a strong, independent young woman. This is my new committment. Her father shares it with me and together we will do everything within our power to see that we do right by this child.

Obviously, this is my first entry but I hope there will be many more to follow in the coming days and weeks. We leave November 17th for China and should have Kaitlyn in our arms by the 22nd. We invite you to follow us.